Tears of love

I cried when I watched 'Titanic'. I cried when I saw the crumbling down of WTC. I cried when Princess Diana died. I cried when our national aircraft crashed and many innocent lives were lost. I felt sorry for those who lost their loved ones who lost their lives be it in an accident or sickness. I cried and I stopped and prayed that these people who suffered lost love will live and be strong. Now, it is my turn to lose a loved one. Someone whom I loved so dearly but I didn't get to express my love freely when she was fit and able right in front of my very eyes. If I didn't manage to say 'I love you, Ma Ma' while she was still alive, I would never forgive myself for the rest of my life. I cried and I stopped but not for long. I cried secretly at work. I cried generously on the bus, lowering my head down, dabbed away my tears with my working shirt as I ran out of tissue towels. Now, I truly construe what it feels like to have a part of my flesh literally being cut off my body. My heart aches. The pain never goes away. I tried to focus on my work but vivid memories of her kept flowing back to my mind and soon I felt that my vision began to appear blurry. I looked at my mobile and I commenced to bring my hands to the numbers pad. I wanted to dial his numbers, however I hesitated. What am I doing? Why stress him of my family affairs and my actions wouldn't help him at all and receive more hurtful remarks from some other people. It's my grandma and not anyone's else. No one can feel the same grievance as I do. If the same thing happens to his family, I'd make sure I'm the first person to offer my comfort hug without him asking of me. But I know I am not needed, maybe. Seeing my dad hurts me too. I do not want him to be spiritless, so I watched a tv show with him and my mum in the living room together and we laughed as hard as we could. It did help initially, so it seemed. I wish I won't cry in my sleep later if I can help it.